Delegates to the UN climate talks in Bonn entered their plenary session today holding indulgences absolving them of their carbon sins. Gaia the earth goddess, wearing her trademark green frock and crown of leaves welcomed the delegates and bestowed her indulgences.
“Where are you from,” Gaia asked, “Indonesia? How did you arrive at the conference today?” “We flew in a plane,” the Indonesian delegate replied. “That plane emitted carbon,” Gaia explained, “you didn’t breathe on board did you? More carbon!”
After learning that most of the delegates had indeed arrived by plane, Gaia asked, “Have you been washing your clothes in a machine, or do you take them down to the river to wash by hand? Do you watch television? Use a computer? You don’t refrigerate your food do you? Did you bring the food home in a car? All carbon sins! You’re lucky I’m selling carbon indulgences today and I’ve brought free samples for all delegates.”
The world’s great religions long ago ended the practice of offering absolution in exchange for cash. In the global warming age, however, large emitters of carbon, such as former Vice President Al Gore (whose 20 room eight bathroom mansion in Nashville consumes as much power as twenty average Americans) claim to use “offsets.” Gore and the global warming elite have advocated purchasing carbon offsets which allow them to continue their rich lifestyles guilt free. They are also willing to sell these offsets to the rest of us.
Gaia’s indulgences printed by CFACT, The Committee for a Constructive Tomorrow, state, “This indulgence serves as a remittance for all your carbon sins. You are hereby forgiven for: flying where you choose, machine washed clothes, driving your vehicle, your computer and electronic conveniences, taking hot showers, exhaling carbon dioxide, making things in factories, growing food with tractors, eating meat, watching your favorite TV shows, refrigerated food, Edison’s light bulb, air conditioning and heating and attending international conferences.”
The disclaimer states, “Purchase of this indulgence absolves you from your guilt from living in a free, productive society. This indulgence will not meaningfully alter the weather, nor climate and is therefore the most honest carbon trading strategy you can find.”
The indulgence is signed, Mother Earth, goddess du jour.
Gaia has offered the rest of us a chance to download her carbon indulgences. They are available at www.CFACT.tv.