In case you have been hiding under a rock for the past several weeks, the media is awash with the news that Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D- NY) or “AOC”, recently unveiled a sweeping new legislative proposal dubbed the “Green New Deal.”

In her view, the Deal will solve, once and for all, the “existential” crisis faced by the human species, which is “man-made global warming”, more popularly known as “climate change.” Fashioned after FDR’s New Deal, it purports to outline everything we need to do as a country and a species in order to forestall the end of the world that will be caused by climate change – an end which she predicts will occur in twelve years’ time.

These actions include a wide variety of dramatic changes in US culture and lifestyles, including the retrofitting of “every building” in the country to assure that they achieve “maximal energy efficiency.” “Every building” includes the over 56 million individual family homes in the US.

So, what is a homeowner to do? Retrofit – or contribute to the so-called destruction of the human race?

Fortunately for all of us who are facilitating the apocalypse by simply living, there is a group called the Climate Investigations Center (CIC) which claims to provide the answers. The CIC was established in 2014 “to monitor the individuals and front groups who work to delay the implementation of sound environmental policies that are necessary in the face of [sic] ongoing climate crisis.”

Thank goodness someone has oversight responsibility for this project – someone who will tell us how all this is going to work out in practice. And not a moment too soon. Twelve years is right around the corner.

The CIC explains how the homeowner retrofit would be implemented:

“A team of people would do an energy audit of your house to measure energy efficiency and air leaks that make the house drafty. The team would recommend what works and is affordable, like retrofitting the home with a programmable thermostat and more efficient heating and air conditioning system and appliances, installing better insulation or newer windows.”

What?

What “team”? Who are they? Who appoints them? What will they be doing in my house? When are they coming? Do they actually think they are going to climb up into my attic, what with all the mess and junk up there? I hope they come when Granny is not sleeping.

What is an “energy audit”? Is this like an IRS audit? Will I go to jail if my house fails inspection? This probably means my wood burning fireplace is a goner. And what if I cheat, and sneak in a fire on a frosty winter night? Will an alarm go off and summon the environmental police?

“Recommend what works and is affordable.” Affordable to whom? The gummint? Will the gummint write me a check? I hope so. I could use the money. What happens if I disagree with “what works”? Will there be a Department of Home Energy Efficiency where I can lodge my complaint? Will this Department have a Cabinet-level Secretary and a bunch of Assistant Secretaries and even more Acting Deputy Assistant Undersecretaries and such?

“New heating and air conditioning system”? Jeez Louise! The last HVAC people I hired cost an arm and a leg – and still showed up two weeks late. Make my home less “drafty”? That’s way down on my home improvement totem pole.

Upon further reflection, this whole idea seems so hare-brained and cockamamie that I really don’t want to have anything to do with it. AOC and the CIC will just have to save the planet on their own. Thanks, but no thanks. I like my home just the way it is.

And by the way, please get off my lawn.