Seeking to curb the spread of disease from cloth shopping bags, governors such as New Hampshire’s Chris Sununu and Massachusetts’ Charlie Baker attempted a bold move and banned them outright. “From now on, reusable bags are prohibited and all regulations on plastic bag bans are lifted,” Baker said during a COVID-19 briefing on Beacon Hill.
“Not so fast,” said civil rights lawyers in a press statement issued last night.
“Reusable shopping bags are a statement of Green faith, community and devotion to Mother Gaia,” the statement reads. “Banning reusable bags and requiring single use bags violates the separation of church and state. New age religion is religion, pure and simple. You can no more ban people’s beloved shopping bags than you can ban the burqa, the crucifix, or the Star of David.”
“The Fourteenth Amendment to our Constitution applied the prohibition of religious discrimination enshrined in our First Amendment directly to the states,” civil rights attorneys explained. “The right of the people to proclaim their faith through reusable shopping bags in retail stores is sacred. Unless Governors Sununu, Baker and the rest reverse these bans immediately, or create reasonable accommodations such as bag disinfection stations and sensitivity training, we are prepared to file suit under the Civil Rights Act. We will also apply for an immediate injunction to a Federal District Court judge in California and expect a national stay on this bigoted bag policy will issue nationwide.”
Green congregationalists are in shock from coast to coast. Many expressed fear. “What will they come for next?” one Green spiritual leader asked, “suppose the bigots come after renewable energy subsidies, which to us are sacred? Our wind turbines shine upon the mountain tops as the Cristo Redentor shines above Rio de Janeiro. Our solar panels proclaim the Green way from the rooftops. We give up meat for tofu. Separating trash and coming together to recycle is a treasured act of faith. We must draw the line here and now or the entirety of Green devotional activity is threatened.”
A climate fundamentalist leader added, “yea verily I say unto thee, the day will come when climate crisis will drown the wicked in a great flood. No act of faith is too small to help avert that day of reckoning. One person’s soiled cloth bag is another’s act of spiritual self-sacrifice.”
When asked whether today’s Green devotional should be taught in public schools, the civil rights lawyers demurred. “We must tackle these questions one at a time,” they told our reporter, “we’ll revisit that issue once the right of every Green to signal their virtue and proclaim their faith through the boutique shopping bag of their choice has been irrevocably redeemed.”
One woke shopper did not mince words saying, “they’ll have to pry my fair trade, organic sisal, indigenous-crafted bag off my cold dead shoulder!”
——————– APRIL FOOLS!———————