It may be mating time, but this cicada is not happy.
We’ve been patiently sucking roots underground for 17 years. Now billions of us dig for the surface and what do we find? Pretty much the same world temperatures we had when we went under and America smack in the middle of one of the coldest starts to spring since humans started keeping records.
SNOW on the ski slopes? ON MEMORIAL DAY?!? It’s all over Climate Depot!
For too many of my swarm companions, our sweet cicada song of insect love may be loud, but this year it is wistful at best.
When brood II burrowed underground seventeen years ago, global warming activists assured us we would reemerge to a warmer world than that we left behind. Just the way we like it. Climate computer models predicted it. Activists from warming pressure groups (the one’s with the unbelievably big bucks!) told us the science was “settled” and too sacrosanct to discuss.
That was enough for us. We’re insects after all. We put the word out. No more thinking. We shut any anti-science cicadas we caught questioning right down. A skeptical cicada? Who needs that? You’re head species. You’ve got a peer review process. We trusted you!
So brood II burrowed down, snug as bugs in dirt, and what happens while we’re resting? World temperatures stabilized and global warming stopped cold. Took a break. Went on hiatus. Failed to keep up with computer models! What’s more accurate than a computer?
Next thing we know the true global warming believers (the one’s who made all the promises!) were wandering around the internet in denial. They’ve only just begun to admit that the global temperature data shows what it shows. CFACT erected a billboard at the gates to Washington, D.C. to help them along – 17 years too late!
Cicadas like it warm. That’s when we get it on! Cicada love time was coming early – now and forever! We don’t even start thinking about digging out until ground temperatures reach 17.77º C (That’s 64º F if you haven’t yet published a peer reviewed article in a Phil Jones and Michael Mann approved climate journal). You promised. So where’s the warming?!? Instead we get an extra cold spring and a serious case of deferred gratification.
You know, when we were last digging in, the UN was putting the finishing touches on the Kyoto protocol. It created carbon trading markets among other odd human things. The UN banished war and brought universal peace and justice to the world. Who wouldn’t trust them?
What compensation do you plan for those trusting brood II cicadas who got on board with your latest fad and invested their hard-earned savings in carbon credits? They woke up with a big fat loss staring them in the face. Carbon markets collapsed? Record lows? You’d think 17 years would be time enough to compound some interest and turn a nifty little profit, but cicadas who put their nest eggs into carbon are out of luck. Forget about those who bought into the new “Green” economy.
We tried to keep up with technology. We started to get a clue when Climategate broke, but you know what? We’re lucky to get half a bar buried back here in the garden. You could at least upgrade your WiFi. Sure, we’d go mobile, but after A123 and Solyndra who can afford a data plan?
Don’t worry. Swarmageddon is still on. Our broodmates in the northeast will just have to be a little patient. Sweet anticipation!
We’ll swarm, sing, mate and send our newly hatched nymphs back down to the roots to feed. Pretty soon the only sign you’ll see of us will be our empty exoskeletons clinging to trees. We’ll miss you, but we’ll be back in seventeen years. We’ll compare notes then. Think Al Gore’s $9 million Pacific villa will still be above water? In the meantime, don’t ever try and tell us to stop thinking again.